After 21 hours of labor, Isaiah Michael Burden was born on May 29th 2012. He was a stillborn. I never had the chance to hear him cry or breastfeed him. I never had the privilege to change his diaper or watch him grow up and see all he would offer this world. I didn't get the chance to use his car seat or swing I bought for his arrival. My arms were empty while being wheeled out of the hospital and so was my heart. Who knew you could experience so much love and heartbreak all at one time.
God took me on a healing journey after losing Isaiah. He was everything He promised He would be in His Word. My healer, my Prince of Peace and so much more. He brought people in my life who shared their own personal story of loss and let me know I'm not alone. That is exactly what I want to do now, share my story and let you know you are not alone.
I had so many questions swarming around in my mind after the Doctor said there was no heartbeat and he was gone. What more could I have done? Was it my fault? Why me? Why? One answer I do have now is, IT WASN'T MY FAULT! Say it with me, "IT WASN'T MY FAULT!" Those words were the beginning of my healing. I had to settle it in my heart. I loved Isaiah and did everything I could do to nurture him inside my womb. I don't believe God is scared of those hard questions and we may never get the answers while on this earth but we must eventually come to a place where we trust in Gods plan. We must know, "He works all things together for them that love Him and are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28.
When I found out I was going to be a mama, I felt like a had a purpose in life. When Isaiah died, so did my purpose.....so I thought. After all, isn't that what we all live for? Purpose? On my journey to healing, God showed me that His purpose for my life will never die. We may go through trials in life that will make us question it but it never dies. He showed me my purpose is rooted in Him; an unfailing, eternal and loving God. A God who doesn't lie and never leaves me. As long as I have breath in my body I must believe in HIS purpose and plan, otherwise my emotions of guilt, fear, anger will drown me in a pool of depression and anxiety. I will not deny those emotions and all those were a part of my healing but it was time to get my eyes back on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith and not on the earthly things. I had to lay all those emotions at His feet and allow Him to fill me up once again with faith, hope and love! I had to switch my brain on and tell it to focus on the eternal God and not on the temporal things that are passing. Isaiah now was an eternal being and switching my thoughts to eternal things brought me peace. Switching my focus on Jesus and what He did for me so that I can be reunited with Isaiah brought me joy! I still miss him everyday but I know he is in the arms of my Savior and what a sweet reunion we will have one day.
Emotions buried alive never die, they only fester and make us sick in our soul. The bible says in 3 John 1:2 - "Beloved, I wish above all things that you may prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospers." We only prosper in all areas of our life when we prosper in our soul. Our soul consists of our mind, will and emotions. God has given us three beautiful compartments but we must govern them with our spirit. We must feel to heal and allow the hurt to come to the surface and deal with it by asking the Holy Spirit to be our Help and Comforter. I had to ask the Holy Spirit to give me a new perspective, give me a new meaning in life and show me purpose in my pain.
I created Kingdom Kidz as a safe place for parents who have known this kind of loss to share their story and pictures. I have found that being silent is not the way to healing. I believe that our precious babies are awaiting our arrival in the Kingdom of Heaven, they are Kingdom Kidz in the care of our King. My Kingdom kid, Isaiah, has changed my life forever. Although I do not believe that God took Isaiah, He has used it to open my eyes and fill my heart with compassion for others.
Lets share our precious stories because our Kingdom Kidz are never forgotten and when we know the saving grace of Jesus Christ we will be reunited with them for eternity. I have found by sharing my story, offering support and prayer for others, that it has been a huge part of my own healing. It gave me purpose in my pain and I believe it will do the same for you.
Please feel free to share, share, share. Lets exchange support, love, prayer and hope.
- Dale Ann Ross
"Changing our world, one blog at a time"